Friday, November 14, 2008

My miracle

**I am writing this journal on November 14th to document the beginning of our pregnancy but obviously unable to share until we share with our family and friends.**

I honestly never thought this day would come. I feel as if I was walking around with a cloud above my head for the past two years. Nothing can replace the joy of building a dream home with Jeff, but somehow it was always bittersweet because of our loss of Hyphen. Typically miscarriages are horrible in themselves. You grieve, you are angry, you are sad, and then acceptance. They are then slowly replaced by hope as you try again for a new baby. The majority are blessed again and the sadness is replaced with the hopes and dreams of a new life growing inside of them. When you experience a loss, there is always one person who will tell you "Well, at least you can get pregnant." That was a consoling piece of advice to everyone but us. We weren't getting pregnant again and each month and new treatment that failed seemed to bring new feelings of failure, sadness, insecurities, disappointment and depression. As an infertile woman you feel alienated from society, as if your are wearing the modern day Scarlett letter. Especially for a 34 year old woman without children. Most people who knew me and what we were going through didn't really know how to act around me, they didn't know what to say. Most times they would just avoid me because they were afraid to say the wrong thing. Some people did say the wrong thing and you just ended up feeling even more of a failure and a disappointment to society. I am sure I was not easy to be around either, I have gone through several periods of withdrawl where I would avoid social situations. I would skip out on bookclub and other events when I just didn't have the heart to deal with putting on a brave face and smile as if nothing was wrong in my life. I also would just sit around at home feeling sorry for myself, diving head first into decorating our home and trying to forget that anything was wrong.
After my surgery and diagnosis of endometriosis, our doctor recommended that we try on our own. Although the idea of conceiving a child on our own seemed like a a dream come true for us, we decided that we weren't getting any younger and to continue on with the next set of infertility treatments. The next treatments for us were the Follistim injections and Ovidrel trigger shot. Yikes! This was the first set of infertility treatments for us that involved paying out of pocket. Everything had been covered by insurance so far so this was just one more stressful item to add to the already stressful equation. We were quoted that it would run us around $2,000 a month between the ultra sound monitoring, the doctors analysis of my results, bloodwork, and injection drugs. I wish we would have taped Jeff giving me my first injection because I am sure it would have entertained several people on YouTube. There were a lot of tears and whining on my end, then yelling on Jeff's end, more tears, more yelling and then finally he just did it. It actually wasn't that bad. It was more a fear of the unknown for me. It was definitely a first in our relationship. Not that the next several shots were ticklish by any means, they just became more bareable. I finally triggered on October 29th, this was supposed to release the two mature eggs that I had grown from the injections and to prepare us for our artificial insemination (IUI) on October 31st, Halloween. The trigger shot was fine too, I took it like any infertile girl would knowing that it was all for a good cause. The IUI was a banner one for us, all stars seemed to algin for this cycle. My tubes had been blown out as a part of my surgery, the endo was gone, I had produced two mature eggs, and Jeff's numbers were off the charts. It was definetly the best chance we had had since the miscarraige.
The trigger shot was supposed to contain HcG, the pregnancy hormone. I definitely felt these false pregnancy symptoms from the trigger shot and had major sore boobs for days. Eleven days after our IUI, my boobs were still really sore. I commented to Jeff that the trigger must really be potent with me because the symptoms never seemed to wear off. On Thursday, November 13th, I decided to take a pregnancy test. I didn't feel pregnant, but I knew we would most likely have an accurate reading by that morning and we could at least know our fate and then move on. It was something I pretty much did every month unless we knew for sure that evil AF was on her way. I got outof bed and told Jeff I was taking the digital pregnancy test that Debbie, my sister, had given to me. She had given me her leftover pregnancy test since she was now expecting a baby of her own. I made Jeff promise not to get upset and that we would try again. I kept trying to prepare him for another negative test. I hated seeing the dissappointment on his face every month, it was worse than the negative test in itself. I thought this one was another failure since our miscarriage,
our 25th failed cycle. I took the test and set it down on the counter top, almost immediately a "Pregnant" popped up on the digital reader. I immediately thought to myself, great, it's the darn trigger still in my system. They are known to trigger false positives. I walked out of the bedroom and with a very unenthusiastic tone, I said to Jeff, "Well, it's positive." He turns around in bed and looked at me. "What?!?" He then puts the pillow over his head. He also thinks it's the trigger. I jumped back in bed with him and we started debating what this meant. It had to be the trigger, my boobs never stopped hurting as a sign that it wore off. This was our first time doing this so we didn't know what kind of affect it would have on me. It was unbelievable, we didn't know what to think. Should we be happy or not? Do we dare get our hopes up? It can't be possible.
Jeff jumped in the shower and I immediately went on The Nest to the "Trouble Trying to Conceive" board. I was taking the day off because I had also been blessed with a horrible cold. I posted my question on the message board about the trigger shot and explained that I had gotten a positive on a pregnancy test. Every response I received explained there was no way it was trigger and that it should be out by 10 days past ovulation. I was at 13 days past ovulation. Hope started to slowly creep in. Could it be? I told Jeff and he dismissed their responses. Call the doctor he says. So I left my IVF nurses a message. After a few hours and no returned phone call, I called back again. Finally, a live person! I explained to nurse Judy my situation and she said there was no way it's the trigger shot and congratulations, I am pregnant!!! I just couldn't believe it. Had our day finally come? Had my surgery been worth it? Had the majorly expensive shots given us the boost we needed? Was it twins since I had two eggs? All these questions were rolling around in my brain. Nurse Judy ordered me a blood test so I drove down to the Willoughby Cleveland Clinic lab and took a blood test. Jeff came home and we just hugged and smiled a lot the rest of the night. We just couldn't believe our luck had finally turned, our biggest wish had finally come true.
I stayed home again the next day after coughing and blowing my nose all night. I couldn't take any cold medicine because of my pregnancy so I just stayed home and tried to take care of myself. The nurse called with my beta results and told me it was a 78!!!! That is a perfect standard number for someone who was 13 days past ovulation when the blood test was administered. A strong number, another victory!!! I asked again for another blood test, typically you want the number to double every 48 hours. I don't think she felt that I needed one but I think another strong number would put my mind even more at ease. Hopefully that is exactly what it is and not something for me to question and second guess!!!! The nurse also scheduled me for my first 7 week ultra sound on December 4th with my fertility specialist. If all goes well for this appointment and we see a little heartbeat, I will be officially released from the world of infertility and back to my regular OBGYN!!! I can't believe it. I am just so in aw and in a happy place right now. I can't even explain it. Memories are starting to come back to me from my first pregnancy, all the happy memories that Jeff and I had shared that had been gone for two years. I now have to think back again to what I can and cannot eat, etc. I need to dust off those pregnancy books and figure out what to do next. I praise god for finally answering our prayers and hope HE knows how thankful we are for this wonderful gift. We pray it grows to be a happy and healthy child one day.

1 comment :

  1. Your post had me tearing up...and I don't cry at other people's written words. you're writing such a raw emotional thing - it would be such an encouragment to others who struggle with miscarriages and infertility. This is a wonderful story that you have documented - what an amazing gift and a very heartfelt congratulations.


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